Mr's Compilation, on How to Make a Strong First Impression: Seven Tips That Really Work - By Bill Lampton

We have all heard this warning: "You never get a second chance to make a good first impression." Also, psychologists, writers, and seminar leaders caution that we only have from seven to seventeen seconds of interacting with strangers before they form an opinion of us.

With this widely acknowledged pressure to "make our case" instantly, here are my seven tips for making your first impression strongly positive.

1. The greatest way to make a positive first impression is to demonstrate immediately that the other person--not you--is the center of action and conversation. Illustrate that the spotlight is on you only, and you'll miss opportunities for friendships, jobs, love relationships, networking, and sales. Show that you are other-centered, and first-time acquaintances will be eager to see you again.

Recently I attended a conference. At lunch, my wife and I sat with several people we didn't know. While most of our tablemates made good impressions, one man emerged as the person we'd be sure to avoid all weekend. He talked about himself, non-stop. Only rarely did anyone else get a chance to speak. Unfortunately, he probably thought he was captivating us with his life story.

I applaud this definition of a bore: "Somebody who talks about himself so much that you don't get to talk about yourself."

2. Closely related: You'll make a superb initial impression when you demonstrate good listening skills. Give positive verbal cues: "Hmmm... interesting!" "Tell me more, please." "What did you do next?" Just as actors benefit from prompts, your conversational partner will welcome your assistance in keeping the exchange going.
Nonverbally, you show you're a skilled listener by maintaining steady eye contact. Remember how you respond to the social gadabout who appears to be looking over your shoulder for the next person he wants to corner.

3. Use the name of a new acquaintance frequently. "Judy, I like that suggestion." "Your vacation must have been exciting, Fred." You show that you have paid attention from the start, catching the name during the introduction. Equally as important, you'll make conversations more personal by including the listener's name several times.

4. Be careful with humor. Although a quip or two might serve as an icebreaker, stay away from sarcastic remarks that could backfire. Because you don't know a stranger's sensitivities, prolonged joking might establish barriers you can't overcome, either now or later.

5. Follow Dr. Wayne Dyer's advice, offered in his wonderful book "Real Magic," by "giving up the need to be right." Confrontations with somebody you've just met will destroy rapport before you even start building it. Wait until you have established credibility before you challenge another's statements.

6. Appearance counts. Several years ago, a professional colleague offered to meet me for lunch. I decided against wearing a suit, opting for a sport coat and tie. When he showed up in shorts and sandals, the message he conveyed was: "Bill, meeting you is a rather ordinary experience, and doesn't call for me to present a business-like appearance." Not surprisingly, that was the last time I met with him.

True, standards for appropriate attire have changed drastically. Maybe the best advice I can share came from a participant in a seminar I conducted. She said, "I don't dress for the job I have now, I dress for the job I want to have."

7. As a communication specialist, I have to point out that an individual's speaking style impacts the first impression, maybe more than we wish. Listeners judge our intelligence, our cultural level, our education, even our leadership ability by the words we select--and by how we say them.

Think of Professor Henry Higgins of "My Fair Lady," who changed a "guttersnipe" into a lady by teaching her to speak skillfully. While none of us occupies the lowly level of Eliza Doolittle, we can keep her example in mind. Rather than mumble, speak so you're easily heard. Enunciate clearly. Alter your pitch, to avoid the dullness of a monotone. Display animation in both voice and facial expression. Gesture naturally, without "canning" your movements.
Keep these seven tips in mind. They will reduce your fear of business and social encounters with unfamiliar faces. More positively, you'll start enjoying poise and success that you thought were beyond your reach.

Are Your Beliefs Your Friend or Foe? - By Diane England

Are you aware that you operate under certain beliefs and assumptions that help you to make sense of this world and your life experiences, and that also guide you as you maneuver through each day? For example, you may believe that you were put on this earth for a God-given purpose. Hence, you're striving to understand and adhere to what that purpose is. You're open to examining things that happen to you because you believe they have lessons to teach you and indeed, may be guiding you towards new directions you need to now be taking.

You may also deal with life's problems and setbacks well because you see them as developing your ability to cope with what may yet lie ahead on this path you believe you're being asked to follow. Furthermore, you may believe that even tragedy offers newfound opportunity if you'll but look for it and seize it.

Hand-Me-Down Beliefs or Your Own?

Even if you cannot relate to what you've just read, you're undoubtedly operating in accordance with certain beliefs and assumptions--likely handed down by significant adults during your childhood. Then again, they could come from conclusions you drew as a result of experiences during that phase of your life. So, whether you are aware of it or not, you think about other people, the world and how it operates, as well as your position as a system within larger systems--such as your family, your community, and your country--in certain ways that others may not because they had different experiences and were handed other beliefs.

Since the smoothness of your early life was largely dependent upon your ability to please the significant adults in your life, or to adopt and live in accordance with their beliefs, it is not surprising that you operate automatically in accordance with these beliefs. Also, since it is important that we all adhere to certain beliefs so as to remain productive and law-abiding members of our society, it has likely been helpful that you've clung to beliefs taught by teachers and others.

Still, while there are guidelines as to what is considered reasonable or rational thinking and behavior within our country, there is nevertheless a considerable range of beliefs and assumptions under which you could operate and still remain an upstanding citizen of both our country and the world.

That said, even if you have been operating under a world view that you believe has been serving you well, it may be time to re-evaluate its appropriateness for both your life today and where you want to be tomorrow. After all, these are challenging times for many people throughout the world. You may need to change up some beliefs and assumptions so you can still notice and embrace life's possibilities at a time when negativity may seem ready to engulf you. On another note, if you have doubts about continuing to walk the path you were committed to previously, it may be time to consider some remodeling.

You may become more self-aware by striving to continually examine your thoughts, your emotions, and your behaviors. Let's look more closely as to how you can use these to direct you in ways you've perhaps not considered before.

Listening to your Mind--or Not?

Many people experience their minds as something akin to committees of people chattering and arguing anyway in their heads. They hardly know how to proceed because of all the conflicting messages their minds feed them. Hopefully, though, this is not your situation. Assuming this to be the case, you may still be wondering if you should listen to it or not. In other words, should you trust that all thoughts that come to mind are essentially your friends and hence, will serve you well?

People who suffer from the mental disorder schizophrenia often come to realize that their minds feed them many thoughts that need to be disregarded. Someone who suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, on the other hand, may believe that his thoughts (the majority of narcissists are men) are perfectly fine while indeed, they create havoc and emotional pain for those who must interact with him--or who suffer the consequences of his choices made as a businessman, for instance. The person who develops Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD following a traumatic event may have once been able to trust his or her thoughts, but now realizes because the brain was changed by trauma, it is no longer a good idea to do so--that whereas some of the individual's thinking may be right on, other thoughts fall into that category known in twelve-step programs as "Stinkin' Thinkin'" instead.

Even if you have a calm brain and a world view that has served you well, just as you may want to stay attuned to the functioning of your seemingly well-running car, you'll want to review your automatic thoughts and how they're continuing to serve you. After all, thoughts can fuel emotions--that can fuel behaviors that may prove detrimental and take you away from the path you intended to follow.

Listening to Your Emotions versus Blindly Following Them

It can be painful to face up to a new truth that feelings or an emotional response seem to be asking that you attend to now. If you are facing such a struggle currently, you may want to consider that on down the road, things may well become more painful or worse if you don't heed the message and act. Remember, most problems don't just go away. Rather, they typically grow worse--or they create new problems such as physical health issues. Therefore, you'll want to listen to your emotional warning system and take any action that it seems to be asking of you.

Remember, your emotions are there to help protect you or remind you that there are changes you need to be making to move forth with your life and purpose. Anxiety or emotional pain, for example, may become severe enough that they seem impossible to ignore because, indeed, you aren't supposed to be ignoring them! They are there to awaken you to the fact it is time to take action--to make some changes in yourself or your life.

Some people will not be brave enough to do this. Rather, they will try to avoid what is being asked of them by abusing substances, for example. Some will seek emotional pain relief through non-stop involvement in activities -- which could include over-shopping, sexual acting-out, or overeating.

What you want to strive for instead is a balance between emotion and thinking. In other words, do not subtract either from the equation but instead evaluate both your thoughts and your feelings regularly to become more self-aware. And, just in case you believe that you are the victim of your genetics and brain, realize that you can modify your brain through changing your thoughts and behavior.

Change your beliefs and indeed, you will change your self-talk. Alter your self-talk and indeed, your emotional responses to life events will soon change. Alter your emotional response, and soon your behavior will change, too.

Humans have a need to have their beliefs and their behaviors in alignment. Thus, if you change one so that it is no longer in alignment with the other--there is dissonance--ultimately, you will be driven to change the other.

Hopefully, now you'll be more capable of keeping your beliefs, thoughts, and emotions aligned so that they continually lead you toward a purpose-filled life. After all, you should soon feel calmer and hence, be better attuned to any inner guidance--or you'll perceive and seize opportunities put before you that you were undoubtedly inclined to miss when you weren't so self-aware.

How to Express Yourself to Others - By Greg S. Baker

One of the hardest things to do when you're communicating with someone is expressing yourself. How many times have you said something that just didn't come out the way you wanted it to? How many times have we said something that we really didn't mean, but we were too frustrated to stop it from being said?

What's more, some people have a fear of expressing themselves at all. They're afraid to say something that might cost them a friendship. Or they bottle everything up tight and seize up at the mere thought of sharing their true emotions.

This can be a constant struggle for people. However, it is something that can be conquered. If you are struggling to express yourself to others, or you know of someone who struggles, then read on. This article will show you what you can do to open up with others.

THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNICATION

Every being on the planet communicates in some fashion. And the more complex the form of communication is, you will find more complex relationships as well.

Human speech is the most complicated form of communication in the world. We have so many ways to express ideas, feelings, dreams, suggestions, thoughts, intents, love, rage, desire, and so forth.

Words have meaning to us. Subtle differences in each word will convey a slightly different idea. Huge and gigantic have subtle differences. We think of gigantic as bigger than huge. Thus, the words you use in your relationships are of powerful importance. The person who said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," never had a complex and in-depth relationship. Words can hurt.

Words have the power to give life and death...especially in relationships.

So it is important that you learn to express yourself. You must learn to convey your thoughts, ideas, dreams, ambitions, hopes and emotions to those that you share a relationship with. Your inability to do so, will damage your relationships.

DANGERS OF NOT BEING ABLE TO EXPRESS YOURSELF

1. If you have a fear of people, people will avoid you. It's a vicious cycle. You avoid people because you fear that they will hurt you. People see your aloofness, and either think the worst (that you're stuck up), or grant your desire and leave you alone. Then you wonder why it is that no one likes you.

2. When you can't open up to people, people will feel that you are unapproachable. You'll have a hard time getting close to people when you bottle everything up inside. Your relationships will all be shallow.

3. Your inability to express yourself will haunt you in times of trouble. You'll need help, you'll want help, but you won't seek it. You'll hide. So, no one helps you. Then you grow resentful and angry.

4. Another danger is that of isolation. You build walls around your emotions and people instinctively leave you alone. That might be what you wanted at first, but your life will be barren, and empty. Life is relationships. The stronger your relationships the more joy you'll have in life. No matter if it is with your mate, God, children, neighbors, co-workers, friends, relatives, or even yourself, you must learn to express yourself.

TIPS ON EXPRESSING YOURSELF

Do A Lot Of Reading

Reading will help you learn how other people express themselves. Pay attention to word usage, diction, flow, voice and tone. These will give you ideas on expressing yourself.

Look up words that you've never seen before. Use them. They'll provide you with many and myriad ways of expressing your emotions. Often, I've found that a single word does better expressing what I feel than an entire paragraph of sentences. Learning new words will help you express yourself better and reading will help you to learn different ways to do so.

A wise man once said, not every reader is a leader, but every leader is a reader.

Do Some Writing On Your Own

Do a variety of writing. Start a novel. Write letters. Keep a journal or diary. Often, you'll find that writing helps you to think your thoughts through. In the heat of an argument, you'll often say what you don't mean in a tone that creates more resentment. Writing will help you organize your thoughts. It'll give you focus and direction.

Don't Fear People's Judgment

Social anxiety is not a disease. You can't catch it from someone who has it. It is a spiritual state of mind that is the direct result of fear. There is really only one type of fear and that is the fear of the unknown. Don't fear what other people think about you. Honestly, your imagination will create far worse scenarios than what most people will ever think.

To overcome your fear, try asking for their help. Try this, "I'm having a hard time expressing myself, and I thought maybe you could help me." Saying that will invoke an instinctual need that most everyone has-the desire to help and feel needed. Hardly anyone will be critical of you when you've asked for their help.

It also sets the stage to retract what you may say when you say it wrong. Since you've already warned them that you are struggling with expressing yourself, when you actually struggle with it, they'll just shrug it off. It's a great tool to overcoming your fear of other people's judgment.

When You're Upset, Write A Letter

If you're furious at someone, then go ahead and write them a nasty letter. Just don't give it to them. Sleep on it. The next morning, go back over the letter. You'll find that your attitudes and perspective have shifted. I seriously doubt you'll send the letter under those conditions.

But more than that, sending someone a letter that is well thought out is a great idea when you're trying to express yourself. Look, letters can't be argued with, they can't be interrupted, and you can't derail the train of thought. In fact, even if the letter is negative, most people will read it all the way through.

Sometimes a well worded letter will allow you to convey your feelings where a conversation would not.

Be Mature When You Express Yourself

I don't take people seriously when they rant, rave, swear, cuss, insult, deride, mock, or get stubborn. These are immature attitudes that prevent and hinder the expression process.

Here is a rule of thumb. If they are willing to talk about others behind their back, they will do it to you too. Let's stay away from the unproductive gossip, the insults, the profanity, and the finger pointing. These accomplish nothing. Think about it, when is the last time you actually made a situation better by swearing at someone? Maturity in conversation is thoughtfulness, consideration, and the willingness to listen. Show respect to others and they will respect you.

Ask Questions

You'll be amazed at how easy it is to express yourself in the form of a question.

But the short of it is this, questions allow you to interact with others. They involve you in their thoughts, feelings, worries, and cares. This provides an opportunity to express yourself better to them. Expression is best done when there is good interaction. Thoughtful questions provide this platform.
Remember, people communicate all the time, but either it is misunderstood or it is not listened to. These techniques and methods will help assist in the struggles that you have in communicating.

Trust in Relationships

We have been taught to believe trust is a commodity to be earned by others. Once they have passed certain tests, then we feel safe to extend our trust. I would like to entertain the idea that trust can be a verb, rather than a noun. It's a choice you make and says much more about you than it does the person to whom you are extending that trust.

When you are involved in a relationship and you say you trust that person, it is more than a noun. It's not just a thing you extend to a person like a gift--it is followed up with behaviors--things you do and things you don't do.

When you trust someone, you know he or she will do the right thing. You know they have their affairs (no pun intended) under control. They are faithful and loyal. You don't need constant reassurance of this--you just know.

What you don't do is constantly grill a person about where he or she is and with whom he or she is spending time. You don't have him or her followed looking for proof of infidelity. You don't snoop around in his or her personal belongings or private places. You trust that he or she can be trusted.

Trusting has so much more to do with who you are as a person than it does with who your partner is. When you are secure in yourself and know that you are worthy to receive love, then it is natural to trust.

The Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction says that if you look at life and see positive things then you will attract more of that positive energy into your life and vice versa.

If you always find yourself in relationships where you have been disappointed and lied to, ask yourself what it is about you that brings dishonorable people into your life. I'm not in any way blaming you for your misfortune, but I know people attract what they think about.

If you want more trust in your life, you have to be more trusting and more worthy of trust. You can't get from others what you don't possess in yourself. You must ask yourself, "Am I a trustworthy person? Does my partner realize that I have integrity and can be trusted? Do I extend trust to him or her?"

Of course, there will inevitably be someone you trusted who didn't deserve it, but don't allow that to shake the foundation of your self-confidence. It is right to trust the person with whom you are involved. If he or she is undeserving of your trust, in time this will be revealed to you and then you can move on and forgive--whether or not you choose to stay with the person. It does no good to stay if the trust is forever gone.

Beyond Lost Trust

I was recently talking to one of my clients about her readiness to begin a new relationship. This woman, Susan, had been divorced for about five years and believed she was ready for a new dating relationship in her life but nothing was happening for her.
I asked her if there was something holding her back. She is an attractive and fun-loving person. I suggested that maybe her ex-husband was still holding too much power over her emotions to allow her to engage in a relationship with someone new.

She thought about that and realized that what really happened is that when her husband had an affair with a much younger woman, it totally shook her self-esteem. If she doesn't like herself, how can someone else be attracted to her?

So often, when our trust is shattered, we tend to look at ourselves. What's wrong with me? Why did someone I love betray me? Why didn't I see it? Instead, we need to look at the character flaw in the other person. When someone makes a promise to another and breaks it, then that is a flaw in them, not you.

Trusting really comes down to which is most important to you--trust or self-protection? If you are more concerned with keeping yourself safe, you probably won't trust because you are afraid of being hurt. However, can you really protect yourself? Won't you still be hurt to learn of a loved one's deception? Without trust, you will never achieve that level of intimacy a trusting relationship provides. What will you really lose by trusting?

The most important thing, though, is to not lose respect for yourself. You are a worthy person. Spend some time engaging in some self-nurturing behavior. Learn to love yourself again. Your self-esteem cannot be based on the frailties of another person.

I have two questions. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone whom you can't trust? And do you want to be in a relationship where you are behaving as a jealous, crazy person?

Trust is Multi-Level

The trust one needs in a relationship is multi-level. At the base level, there is a trust in your partner. Your partner may deserve your trust or he or she may not. You have no control over that at all. If a person is unworthy of your trust, that in no way diminishes you.

At the next level is a trust in oneself. At this level, it is important to trust your own instincts in people. You may not always be right. People are very good at deception if they want to be. However, if you trust in yourself and your good judgment, when you make a mistake you won't be devastated. You just realize that you were involved with a person who was a master of deception and you move on undaunted but perhaps a bit wiser.

Finally, there is trust in the universal order of things--a divine spirit, if you will. If you have total and complete trust in the Universal Spirit or your Higher Power then that trust will never be betrayed. The Universal Spirit will always provide you with what you need whenever you have a need.

Have you lost your trust? Do you want to get it back? Let go of the wrong that was done, trust in yourself again and ultimately trust in the Universal Spirit to provide you what you need when you need it. You will discover a sense of peace and calm that will sustain you through the difficult and lonely times.
Learn more about improving your relationships with our Relationships from the Inside Out Tip Sheet.

From Habits to Freedom - By Janice Russell (Mr)

How many times have you heard someone say, "I never have enough time!"? Maybe you have even said it yourself. I hate to break the news to you...we all have the same amount of time: 24 hours in a day which means 168 hours per week. There is nothing that anyone can do to change it. For some people that is the bad news. There is good news, however. You are in charge of your time. Now I can already hear some of you arguing that isn't true because the boss claims a lot of your time, family or friends want some of your time, there are personal life tasks to be taken care of, and that is all before you even think of doing something fun. But if you just take the time to read this article, I can promise you some tips to save some time later...and even create some new time.

It's not an issue of managing time; it's a matter of managing oneself. Since organizing is about replacing non-functioning habits with functioning ones, let's look at some of the habits you need to develop in order to gain time.

Habit #1: Learn to say "no".
For most people, the ability to say "no" is difficult if not impossible. For such a short word, it can be almost impossible to say. The best place to start is to develop a standard answer to give anyone who asks for your time. One example might be "Can I get back to you in a couple of days; I need to check my calendar before I commit to something new?" You have to create a statement that works for you and that starts to roll off your tongue the minute someone says, "Can you ____?" You may have to practice in front of a mirror until you feel comfortable. If someone indicates that they can't wait, then be prepared to immediately decline. After you have had time to think about it, look at your calendar, or discuss it with someone, be as short and direct as you can and don't be swayed by reasons they may use to get you to change your mind. Keep the words of Anne Lamott in mind, she says, "I live by the truth that "No" is a complete sentence." Here are some statements that may be useful:

"My schedule is full for that (day, week, month, year, etc.)" You do not have to tell the person anything else. Even if they indicate that the task won't take to long, be firm and repeat the statement.

"I need to decrease the amount of stress in my life by cutting back on tasks. I hope you understand." Again, do not give any details. Just make the statement and move to another topic of conversation.

"My (spouse, family, friends, etc.) need my full attention at this time so I am unable to take on additional activities." Don't elaborate. Just maintain your stand.

Be aware, if you are a longtime "yes" person, there will be people who will be unhappy when you start saying "no". Be strong. It takes awhile to develop a new habit and you are bound to meet outside resistance.

Habit #2: Silence the internal people-pleasing voices.
Part of saying "no" is the ability to stand firm with others. Another part of saying "no" is the struggle against the internal people-pleaser voices. Not everyone has these, so if you don't, you can skip to habit three. For those who know exactly what I am talking about you've may experience fear that someone might reject you if you don't say "yes". You might feel like it is your duty to say "yes" to all requests; it is almost a driving force. Unfortunately people who are addicted to approval from others are usually disappointed because while it is possible to please lots of people, it is impossible to please everyone. There will always be someone who isn't happy with us for some reason or another.

One of the best ways to quiet your internal people-pleaser is to empower yourself by answering the following questions truthfully:

1. "What stops me from saying "no" when I am asked to do something that I really don't want to do?"
2. "What is the worst thing that could happen if I say "no"?

Resist the temptation to rationalize. For instance, when you ask yourself the second question, it is very tempting to say something like "that person will think less of me." That is certainly not a "worst case scenario". It may help you to write down your answers or to discuss them with someone. You won't be an approval addict one day and then not one the next. You are forming a new habit. It is a process that will take time and may include the occasional setback.

Habit #3: Block out time on your schedule.
I am talking about literally blocking time on your paper or electronic calendar. Most people write down the time that an appointment starts. This is not enough. You need to write down the ending time if you know it or estimate it is you don't, you also need to plan for transportation time. If I have an organizing session with a client that is from 9:00 a.m. until 11:00 a.m., then I will mark my calendar to denote the actual session time but I will also indicate the time I need to leave my office and the time that I expect to arrive back at my office.

Noting "actual" appointments may seem pretty logical, but what about all of the other activities that fill your day? Whether we are talking about personal or professional tasks, it is best to allot a specific time for them to get accomplished. For some reason we tend to think that "everything will get done". In reality, less than we think gets done because we don't plan time a specific time to work on the project nor do we estimate the amount of time the job will take. Let's take this article as an example. It doesn't write itself. I actually mark a specific time in my calendar that says "write ezine". But that isn't all; I predict how much time it will take to compose. Remember the rule of thumb, estimate the amount of time and then double it. If you end up with extra time, great! But you will usually find that you are much closer to actuality when you double your guesstimate. Once you start doing this, you will probably notice that you have a very full calendar. Maybe you have more activities than hours (hence the reason many people don't get enough sleep)! This actually leads us back to habit one about learning to say "no".

Practice, practice, practice! That is the only way that you will create these new habits that will give you more free time and more freedom to decide how to use your time the best. It's a process. It takes work. In the end you will be able to cherish the gift of time more freely.

Uncertainty and Transition

Be you ever so wise, confident, and "enlightened," you will nonetheless find yourself at times uncertain: uncertain about what actions to take, uncertain about your life, uncertain about your place or purpose in this life. At such times, we tend to think of ourselves as confused or lost. And consequently, we may feel fearful, "unsupported" in the larger sense, or even powerless.

We must appreciate, however, that in order to grow, we will necessarily move from certainty to uncertainty. Uncertainty is actually a valid and essential phase of our learning. And in order to move through this phase, we must be able to recognize it as such and resist the inclination to fear it and judge ourselves for it.

OUTGROWING OUR CERTAINTY ...

Why is uncertainty necessary for our growth? The first reason is simply that as we grow as individuals -- as we reach for new levels of freedom and as our power and self-awareness expands -- our wisdom must also grow to keep pace. As our lives and our vistas open, we will simply outgrow our certainty.

The important distinction being that this is a temporary state. We have not "lost" our clarity. Nor have we lost our power to choose. We've simply "graduated" to a level where we must discover a deeper clarity and a new confidence in ourselves and our power.

The "academic" arena illustrates this well. If we cast ourselves back to our school days, at the end of the seventh grade (or so), we may remember how, by the end of the school year, we finally made sense of "geometry." And we felt some security and accomplishment in this knowledge. Entering the eighth-grade, however, confronted by "trigonometry," we suddenly felt ourselves again somewhat lost and mystified. And we probably felt discouraged, a bit fearful, and our overall confidence somewhat shaken.

Graduating from one school-grade to the next and from basic to more advanced subjects, it's easy to appreciate the inevitability of these "uncertain" periods. And we can more easily appreciate these periods of uncertainty as transitional. We need to practice the same kind of understanding with the more complex progress of our life-learning. We need to recognize that these "uncertain" periods, these times when nothing seems clear or firm to us, are in fact preludes to a new level of clarity and a new, stronger foundation.

WHY WE CAN'T SEE ...

The challenge, of course, is that, unlike our academic learning, our life-learning does not advance in clear, even steps. At least not from where we're sitting. And this leads to the second and more profound role of uncertainty.

We will enter a time of uncertainty when from where we are at the moment, we are simply "unable" to see where we need to go next. That is, most of our path from uncertainty to certainty is the process of moving us into a "position" where we can see the answers we need ... where we can open to what is next for us. Perhaps as much as 80% of our learning process is actually about the "expansion" necessary for us to see clearly. And this expansion process is a mysterious one: a process that, if it is to be successful, we simply cannot be "in on."

One of the reasons we cannot see and direct this expansion "phase" is that often we do not expand -- beyond our fears, beyond our comfort, beyond our current knowing -- unless or until we are compelled to do so. Often we don't even realize that our current view -- or our current view of ourselves -- is too narrow to see ahead. We (and our fears) are in our own way.

So these periods of uncertainty are in effect the "empty space" into which we will eventually expand. We are, in effect, separated from our certainty so that we ourselves must grow out to bridge the gap.

NOT SEEING, WE MAY BECOME FEARFUL. BE EXPANSIVE INSTEAD ...

Because we cannot see ahead during this transitional phase, our initial reaction may be fear. The mind (at least, our more primitive mind) associates "safety" with control and familiarity. So when we come to this mysterious "in between" phase, we may be tempted to "contract" or even revert to old familiar patterns. Returning to our academic metaphor, this is like saying: "Well, I don't understand trigonometry, so I'll just stick with geometry."

Unfortunately, because this phase is trying to move us forward, contracting and pulling back will only prolong this transition and make it more uncomfortable for us. Indeed, this phase can become quite prolonged when we are outgrowing fears and "limiting" patterns that run very deep in us. When we are outgrowing these old stubborn patterns, our lives can resemble a "tug of war" where we move back and forth ... until we create enough momentum to finally "shake" us free of our fears. (This, by the way, is why we often feel most confused and in greatest turmoil just before we find our clarity.)

OPENING TO WHAT'S AHEAD ...

Having said all this then, the more flexible and open we can be during these phases, the shorter and easier they will be for us. Again, our first instinct when we lose or move from something familiar, is to panic. Our fears will naturally be aroused. We must expect this, and instead try to remain patient with ourselves and open to what is ahead.

It will help to recognize that this phase is not an invalidation of ourselves or our lives. Far from it. It is in fact a very powerful, transformational point on our path. And, yes, a mysterious one. If we can't absolutely trust or surrender to this mysterious process, we must at least try not to fight it or judge it.

Again, because it is we who are transforming, we cannot really hope to have "control" and clarity during this phase. We are moving beyond ourselves, beyond our fears. And because the goal is our expansion, our best strategy is to be light and patient and expansive as we look ahead.

IN CONCLUSION ...

The difference between doubt and uncertainty is that doubt is a product of fear. As we learn to practice patience and openness during our phases of uncertainty and transition, the phase itself will grow more familiar to us and less threatening. And, after a number of these cycles, as we observe how our path "moves" us mysteriously from uncertainty to certainty -- from who we were to who we are -- we'll begin to marvel at the beautiful wisdom that guides, understands, and supports us in this life.

Way to speak

H! guys……….!

I’m here, come for you in telling you how to be better in learning English as a second language

Are you very shy when it comes to new surroundings, such as starting a new class or moving to a new area? Sometimes, it is necessary to overcome your shyness and speak confidently. By doing this, it can help you not only to share your ideas properly to others, but also to learn communicating with others. Here are a few steps to consider when speaking with confidence.

v Steps 1

Learn how to have conversations with people. Our ideas or opinions may not always be accepted by others, but this is nothing unusual. Open our mouth, express your beliefs! This will improve your courage.

Don’t be afraid and speak loudly. If you speak in a low voice, not only will others not be able to hear what you say, but you will also portray a submissive demeanor, which suggests the opposite of a confident one.

Make eye contact when you speak. For one thing, it is polite for others. Also, eye contact will help others to listen to your thinking carefully.

Praise yourself everyday! This will promote your own confidence, which is important when you speak. With more confidence, people will take your thinking more seriously.

v Tips 2

Don’t be nervous when you make mistakes. Human error is far from being a new concept — nobody is perfect! It is normal for everyone to make mistakes. Just calm down and keep speaking bravely.

Try and try again! This may be difficult for a shy person at first, but you need to force yourself to speak, and not seclude your thoughts. If you have some ideas, then try to speak out! Don’t just keep them in your head.

If you have self confidence issues, try to think that you are the only one who has sound knowledge about the topic. Then go ahead and impart your knowledge to the audience in an effective way.

Remember that there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. Don’t portray an exaggerated amount of confidence, or you will come off as arrogant, believing that your ideas are better than the ideas of everyone else.

“Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.” - Martin Fraquhar Tupper

One of the most important components of public speaking is the sound of your voice. It influences the impact of your message, and might even make or break the success of your speech. Fortunately, for many people, good voice quality can be learned.

Instructions :

Ø Breathe from your diaphragm – Practice long and controlled exhales. When you speak, use breath to punctuate your point. For example, take a breath at the end of each phrase whether you need to or not. Use that opportunity to pause and let the listeners absorb what you say.

Ø Use pitch – Lower pitches generally are more soothing to hear. However, modulating your pitch for emphasis will keep your listeners engaged. Develop your pitch by practicing humming.

Ø Moderate your volume – Find out if you speak too loudly or too softly. When you begin speaking, ask your audience how your volume is (each situation is different). Try to stay at the appropriate volume throughout your speech.

Ø Moderate your pace – This one is also closely related to breath. If you speak too quickly, people can’t keep up. If you speak too slowly, people will lose interest. Record your speech to determine if you need to change your pace. Get feedback from others.

Ø Articulate – Try exaggerating your lip movement to reduce mumbling. Practice articulating tongue twisters and extending and exaggerating vowel sounds. Become an expert at articulating tongue twisters as quickly and crisply as possible. Focus on the ones you find difficult.

Ø Practice your speech in advance and determine where you want to pause for a breath. For more emphasis, pause for more than one breath. Mark your breathing points in your notes.

Ø Loosen up before you begin. Look side to side. Roll your head in half-circles and roll your shoulders back. Shift your rib cage from side to side. Yawn. Stretch. Touch your toes while completely relaxing your upper body, then slowly stand up, one vertebra at a time, raising your head last. Repeat as needed.

Ø Posture – Stand up straight and tall to allow full lung capacity and airflow.

Ø Record your voice repeatedly using different ways of speaking. Determine which one is most pleasing.

Ø Practice breath control – Take a deep breath, and while you exhale, count to 10 (or recite the months or days of the week). Try gradually increasing your volume as you count, using your abdominal muscles—not your throat—for volume. Don’t let your larynx tense up.

How to improve your writing

‘How can I improve my writing?’ is one of the most frequent questions from us or students and the hardest questions to answer. When a student asks me this I always pull a face and rub my chin thoughtfully. ‘Hmmm…yes, well… Gosh is that the time?”

Every student is different but all the successful students have one thing in common – and that is that they found a strategy which worked for them, and once they found a strategy that worked they stuck to it and this became their path through the jungle of learning. One thing is probably true – that your writing is improved by writing. Sounds obvious? In fact, many students are so worried about making mistakes that they don’t write at all! Think about learning other things in life – learning to speak your first language, learning to walk, your first English lessons. How good were you when you started? Not very! Think about learning to drive - you can read all about how the gears work, how you should use the pedals and so on but you can’t learn to drive until you get in the car, switch on the engine and start going. Why should it be any different with other skills? Like reading, listening and speaking, your writing will get better the more you write. There are times when you should write and concentrate on your accuracy because it is important to be correct. But other times you should write for language improvement when the content of what you write is important. Think about speaking – if you are giving a formal presentation in English you will think carefully about what you are going to say and prepare it. But other times you will speak casually in English and not worry about your mistakes. Of course your casual speaking will improve your English for when you give presentations. So it is with writing. If you can write ‘casually’ every day you will improve your writing so that when you need to perform an important and accurate writing task you will be much better at it.

Writing casually could mean:

v Keeping a real personal diary about your everyday life (as people have done for centuries) only in English!

v Writing a journal about something which is ongoing (about work, study, English studies)

v Writing to a penpal (on paper or by e mail)

v Forming a writing group with friends and swapping texts you have written for fun

v Writing e mails to friends in English instead of your usual language (Friends are often embarrassed to speak English to each other – what about writing English to each other? You might find your friends think is a great idea.)

v Starting your own blog so you can write online. There’s any number of free blogs out there which are ready made for you to use. If you don’t publicize it no one will ever know about it. Or do publicize it and have fun!

v Write a message to the new forum at English for University. I have set up a ‘casual writing’ forum for this purpose.

Of course, there are times when you want serious feedback on your writing and there is nothing better than sitting down with a teacher who can point out mistakes to you. Unfortunately most students don’t have a private teacher who they can do this with!

Compiled from some resources